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Hi nice to meet you, what’s your name?
You know my name. Don’t play these games with me.
Where are you from?
I’ve had quite a nomadic life, so it’s difficult to say. I currently live in East Grinstead, which is notable for being the home of Scientology in the UK. The Guardian recently described it as “Britain’s strangest town”, which I thought was a bit unfair. That said, Tom Cruise is apparently moving there soon. So they may have a point.
What brings you here?
It’s cold outside and I forgot my duffel coat.
Sorry, didn’t get you a drink, what would you like?
I’m trying to be healthy, so I’m only drinking white wine at the moment.
Some crisps or nuts?
Yes please. I’m a big fan of meat-flavoured crisps. I’m actually a vegetarian, but I like to be reminded from time to time of what I’m missing.
So, what’s so special about your show?
I’m in it. Very few shows can say the same. It’s all about the hazy middle-ground between the performer and the on-stage persona. I’ve spent so many years inventing this on-stage character that I’ve started to actually become him. This causes problems, as he’s not very nice.
How did the idea of the show come about?
It came to me during a bizarre gig in Gibraltar. It was an outdoor show in a botanic garden in the bright sunshine. I was performing on a stage over a pond and the audience were smoking and passing around chipolatas. That kind of thing really makes you re-evaluate your existence.
Do you come here often?
I try to avoid leaving the house wherever possible. It’s the best way to avoid other people, who for the most part annoy the hell out of me.
Where are you going after here…
Purgatory, probably. I’ve lived a very bad life.
Catch Andrew Doyle’s Minimalism before he heads to purgatory